Updated: Jun 14, 2021
On a collective basis, it is a strange time to be alive. It is indeed a blessing to be alive yet sometimes I sense that the collective perception that that is a blessing wanes periodically. I've already veered off topic.
What should've been my second sentence is that on a personal basis it is also a strange time to be alive. Whilst our world has undergone severe changes (or maybe a severe pause), a lot of us haven't necessarily personally felt the effect of said changes for various reasons. For those of us who thought we could escape the grips of pandemonium (no that word was not a mistake), we have been caught in unexpected ways. Some have lost their careers, their sense of worth, their sense of vision/direction and love.
I have lost love. Within that feels like a loss of so many other vital things; a version of self I once knew, goals, ideas, freedom, understanding, dreams and a sense of purpose.
I have heard Will & Jada often speak about relationships needing to have a shared purpose in order for them to maintain longevity. I agreed for a very long time and still do that this is crucial. What is funny is that they've never divorced so they can't speak on what happens when that purpose is shattered and one is left to rebuild their own sense of it after the emotional death.
This is where my quest begins. Most of the time, I have noticed, broken-hearted people turn a completely different way after the fact and begin to form new habits which inform their newfound purpose. Sometimes, if the healing process is not thorough and wholesome, this purpose becomes about vengeance against perhaps God, their previous love, a community, elders, parents, leaders etc. all who once promised them that love would always last. In other words, they lose faith. They lose faith in love, in others and in faith itself - both religious and "personal". The journey through life henceforth becomes one that is led entirely by the wounded self; the self that cannot trust the very thing it needs the most to carry it forward. And that is a trip (for those not into slang, 'that is quite a stumbling block').
I don't blame them. A force so powerful breaking down before your very eyes is bound to turn you against it. More times than not I find myself in the deep throes of confusion, hoping for a way out of this tunnel so that I can find the 'me' I know - the one who is freely giving, trusting and unafraid to love as deeply as I once did. Some days I get scared that she may not come back. And on other days like today I pray and read things that help me find the faith to believe that she still exists.
If you are experiencing a broken heart or are mending, write a note to yourself citing all the things you know you have been. You will be those things again. Sometimes you just need reminding.
Honesty at its most broken.